Do you want to become a better partner with your partner?
After 18 years of marriage, and being in a relationship for 22 of them, I still have to ask Bret how long we’ve been together. In fact, the only reason I know those numbers right now is because I recently asked him, and I wrote it down this time! Numbers aren’t one of my strengths, and I’ve come to rely on Bret for these types of things. Being in business together for over 15 years now, we’ve learned that the secret to success is honoring and focusing on one another’s strengths.
Working with couples is something that is near and dear to our hearts. Because success is fantastic…but not at the expense of your relationship and the people that matter most to you. Couples that stay together don’t do it by accident. They work for it. And so is building a business together. So today, I want to share with you some tips about being in business with your partner that I know will impact you whether you’re in business together or not. These are our 3 tips for a successful partnership that we figured out the hard way. The 3 things that brought us even closer and t become a better partner.
#1: Recruit the interest of your partner.
Bret loves coaching high school football because it gives him a chance to mentor young kids. I love teaching fitness classes at the gym because I love connecting with the people and feeling their positive energy. Do either of those things make us money? No. But they make our lives RICH, so together we make sure we honor each other’s passions. I might not get excited about the plays he’s running on the field, but I do take an interest in the kids he coaches. On the other hand, while Bret might not get excited about my choreography or music, he shares my interest in the fitness aspect of things and also ran the logistics of the fitness business we previously owned together. And we do the same in our business today!
But we didn’t always work together, and we weren’t always so heavily involved in one another’s personal interests or hobbies. I had to recruit him! When we began working together in our business, I had to tell him how much I needed him and his strengths.
When Bret was graduating high school, he was the #1 recruited quarter back in the country. To this day, we have books full of recruiting letters from college football coaches that his mom saved – each one telling him how much their team needed his skills. I remember reading through those letters and finding one that really stuck out to me. It said, “Bret, we need you in the worst way.” Can you say that to your partner? If you want your partner on your team, that’s what they need to hear! What are his or her strengths and why do you need them? How can you take a bigger interest in your partner’s interests? And how can you include them in what you do? How can you recruit your partner?
#2: Focus on your partner’s strengths.
The strengths of your partner will not change. This means that their weaknesses will not change either. I’m not going to lie and say that we don’t frustrate each other sometimes, because we do. But we’ve also learned to take a deep breath and focus on each other’s strengths.
Bret honors my strengths and interest in personal development and social media, and I 
honor his strengths in the logistics of our business. While I might be the one in the videos, he’s the one making sure it’s possible for me by doing all of the planning, handling the finances, and doing the negotiating. He is a critical piece of our business, and there is no Team Johnson without him. His weaknesses are my strengths and visa versa. Rather than focusing on our weaknesses, we honor one another’s strengths and let each person thrive in their role.
Stop getting so frustrated with your partner’s weaknesses…because he or she is so strong in other areas! That’s what I want you to focus on! Instead of being resentful and thinking, “Why am I always the one who…” (fill in the blank), realize whatever it is that you do, that’s your role because you’re good at it and it comes naturally to you. No partnership is ever 50/50 all the time. You’re needed, and you’re there to pick up the slack where they are weak. And where you are weak, that’s where your partner picks up the slack. You have roles. Start honoring your partner’s strengths and put them into your recruiting letters.
#3: Know what triggers a negative reaction in your partner.
When you know what upsets your partner and why, then you’ll take things less personal. Bret and I know each other’s triggers, and it enables us to understand one another and work together so much better. What is your partner’s most negative overriding belief about himself or herself? It might take a deep conversation, but understanding their childhood and past will help you understand their triggers in your business and everyday life.
For instance, I know that Bret’s overriding negative belief is that his opinion doesn’t matter. Growing up with a successful and domineering football coach as a father, Bret learned to respond to any message with a “Yes, sir,” and move on. As an athlete, there’s no arguing with your coach, and there was no arguing with his father.
While his father is a very loving man and never intended for Bret to take on that belief, he processed it that way. In our business, this trigger appeared when I questioned anything Bret worked on. An innocent question like, “Why do we have this scheduled on Tuesday instead of Wednesday?” resulted in him throwing up his hands and getting frustrated, assuming he did it wrong or his opinion did not matter. Now that we’ve identified and discussed his trigger, I know how to avoid it and frame things differently. He now knows how much I truly appreciate his opinion and what he does for our business.
Childhood Messages
In my case, my overriding negative belief was that my value was determined by my ability to make money. When I was a child, my parents had a fire in one of their businesses and needed to borrow money in a savings account they started for me as a child. In an honest attempt to teach me about loaning money and showing me how they would pay me back with interest, I internalized the message as “I have value because I have the ability to make money.” Again, my parents never ever intended for me to think this way. But as a child that’s how I internalized the message.
In our business and life, this trigger appeared. If I ever felt that Bret was unhappy or stressed out, I immediately thought that I must work harder and make us more money. But in actuality, maybe he was just tired that day. Before I understood this belief, I was never able to stop working and truly enjoy the life we had created. Knowing this, Bret now approaches certain situations with me differently to avoid setting off this trigger.
Final Thoughts
Do you know your partner’s negative beliefs and triggers? What could you be doing that sets off these triggers, and how can you approach the situation differently? While this might take a deep conversation, I can’t stress enough how much this can help your relationship and your business. What causes your partner to overreact? Understanding his or her triggers is the best way to help your partner understand where you’re coming from, handle it, and take the emotion out of it. Be considerate of your partner’s triggers and start re-thinking how you can frame and approach situations.
While it took us some time and hard work to figure these things out, they are crucial to the success of our marriage and our business. It wasn’t always like this, and we certainly still have our tiffs now and then. But we’ve learned to focus on and honor one another’s strengths and truly understand each other. It takes work, but it’s so worth it…because you’re better TOGETHER!
Really excellent advice. My husband and I haven’t started a business yet, but I know that it’s in our future. I’ll file this wisdom away 🙂
Thank you very much for this great article that you wrote…it will enable me to send it to my wife, it will explain things a lot better than I can and sometimes when it comes from somebody outside of the couple it’s better…
I love the content and it was of great value to me!!!
thanks again!!
daniel
You and Bret sound like Ryan and I. I am SO not a numbers girl, that’s totally his thing. So I let him be that numbers guy. I let him remember specific time, dates, financial things. I handle the 1:1 interactions, the personal development, the coaching because that is my strength. Very well put Chalene.
awesome that you two have a great partnership!
I model my relationship after yours. Honestly. I’m constantly trying to identify triggers to make us a better power couple. We already work so well as a team, but there is alwasy room for improvement! Thank you for being such a positive role model! What I realize though is that I’m more like Bret and my better half is more like you. If you and Bret ever find yourselves in South Dakota, I’ll take you out for some really great steak at a local place here and maybe we can go hunting or fishing. Deal?
I’ve been recently making a larger effort to include my husband in more of the business activities that I do because I believe in the strength, bond and quality time that is provides for both us and the success of the business. One thing that I think I really need to tap into more is pointing out his strengths so that he knows how much I believe in him and need him.
Thank you for this … My hubby and I have been working together in our business since 07, I’ve had it since 03… It’s so hard to work together, we need to work a little harder on this strengths vs weaknesses aspect… I appreciate you sharing this.
I am so thankful you are focusing on couples in business. As you pointed out, focusing on each others strengths is the key. My husband is good with presentations and sales, while I am good at the analytics and content, writing required for our business The S Curve-Sales and Marketing Strategy. I can’t wait to hear more, because it is can be difficult when you both see things differently. How do you and your husband deal with differences of opinion?
Great reminders! It is so easy to assume (or want to assume) that we have the same strengths and weaknesses, and that he should be good at what I am good at, and struggle with what I struggle with. I am having a conversation about tip #3 this week- so important to understand different triggers too. Another thing I’ve started trying to do recently, is tell each other one thing they did or said that day that was helpful, appreciated, or positive in some way.
Thanks for sharing this!
LOVE THIS! Totally put things in perspective and showed me what I personally need to work on. Thanks!
It’s been great to see you and Bret succeed. I remember the early days of meeting Bret in the parking lot of Laguna Hill 24 hour getting TKB Round 2 tapes… yes tapes! : ) This was before I was to drive to Vegas and present Round 2. You both worked so hard to be where you are at ….congrats! Lil d
Dear, very beautiful Chalen,
You are thousands of miles away from me, but you and your wonderful Bret made me feel happiness.
I believe you and your partnership will never grow old.
love each other and every sunny day of your life.
live and be happy !!!
A light bulb went off when I read” know what triggers a negative reaction in your partner.” I can identify and try to approach him differently. Thanks!
Great blog post Chalene! It definitely gives me some things I need to think about in how I relate to my spouse regarding our marriage and business, things that I was just overlooking and taking for granted. Thank you!
You and Bret are such an amazing example to me and Jason. Thank you for all your hard work and willingness to share what you have learned!!
Hello, Mrs Johnson i really thank you your for that information,it has helped me look at things a lot different in my business with my wife.
I love this breakdown! Especially the emphasis to play to your partners strengths and know what triggers them. Each individual plays such a major role in how happy the relationship is and communicating, getting to know eachother that much better, and creating the grounds for a happy successful marriage takes work. You make that clear, but I love that you make it so attainable while portraying the hard work it does take, and often time, before you figure out certain systems. To understand oneself is a surefire way to have a soaring relationship. XO Chalene!
This blog is a God send! My husband and I have been married for 9 years together for 14 and we are at the beginning stages of starting a few different business one of them being fitness.The fitness business is essentially my “baby” but I know the importance of moving forward together and I have been struggling to get him involved. I have been trying to get him motivated and see the value in pursuing this venture with me and the tips hear are going to help me reposition my approach to getting him involved so we can do this together.He is smart, a relentless negotiator,and good with saving money! I need him in the worst way to make this happen! Thank you Chalene!
Happy to help!
Chalene thanks so much for this. My wife compliments me so much. I’m not just referring to praising me but that she …well I guess I should have said she completes me. The strengths that she brings to our relationship is amazing. Love seeing the same thing in y’all too!
Great tips Chalene! I’m in your current session of Smart Success and my husband is now going through the modules with me. We were just talking about what he likes to do and what parts of building the business now with me that he may like to do. I don’t want it to be me just telling him what to do – that won’t work; I truly want him engaged in areas of his interest & strengths. He loves to cook, as do I, but he’s really good at it. And so now he’s considering recipe development and taking photos/videos of them as he prepares them to use for our social media & website pages…something I can do, but I believe he’ll be even better at. Thanks also for the tips on helping us understand each others triggers – sounds like a good conversation for us to have ~
Glad to hear that!
Thanks so much for this Chalene!! Absolute food for thought that needs to be digested slowly. Mmmmwaaah. You are SUCH A PERSON!! love you!!!
This goes so well with what my idea when I started my business, I KNOW my soon to be wife is the perfect person to support me in this and everything I do. I follow you for this reason, because you include each other in your business and it makes sense!
Thank you so much!
Awesome!! Glad to help!
Chalene, thank you for such a great advice. I always love how you give example for every lesson you teach. It help to understand everything better and easier.
It makes so much sense about identifying those triggers. Do you have any advice or tips that will help identify those triggers? Maybe some kind of a series of questions?
Thanks again
Regards,
Rimantas Petrauskas
Hi Rimantas! Honestly, the best way to identify these triggers and to get past them quickly is EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy. It is amazing!
Bret and you admire me. It was first my love of fitness and your excitement. Then it become more enriching to follow not just you but YOU, your family and your successful marriage. All those things intrigued me. When I met you at summit (2013), I didn’t just want a picture of you – I wanted one of you and Bret because you have made a LASTING impact on my life in fitness and in my relationships. These 3 tips are not just something for a business but tips I can implement even though we don’t own a business together. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!
I didnt’ mean you two admire me!!! HA! I meant I Bret and you are my inspiration!
🙂 So glad you liked the article and were able to apply it to your relationship with your partner!