We all have someone in our lives that we love so much, but they literally drive us crazy! Well, that’s the natural tug and pull of any relationship! We often struggle in relationships with the people we love and care about most because those relationships are important to us. We want the best for them. While we often say things like “I wish this person would change or behave differently,” or “I wish this person would come to their senses,” what we really mean is that we want this person we love and care about to be happier, for our relationship to improve, and for this person to live to their full potential. And after all, anything worth having is worth fighting for… So how do you change another individual’s behaviors, actions, or beliefs?
I think we all know that you yourself cannot change someone. However, you can certainly create an environment where change is possible! This means creating an environment where that person feels loved and supported and wants to improve his or her own life. Let me share with you some very important principles for creating the perfect environment for the person you love to change and improve their lives… because it’s something THEY want to do.
5 Principles to Create Change
#1 – Understand that YOUR “why” is not important enough.
Your “why” – the reason you want this person to change – is not important enough to make them change their behavior. Just because you want someone to stop drinking, find a job, or do whatever it is you want them to do, it’s not important enough. It has to be THEIR reason. So, how do you figure out their reason? Listen, pay attention, and ask the right questions. Their “why” is right below the surface. If you’re too consumed with your reason why they should change, you’ll never hear theirs. Helping this person discover their own reasons to change is step one.
#2 – It’s not change that people fear; it’s giving up control.
If you try to force someone to eat healthy, exercise, get a job, or stop an addictive behavior, the backlash you experience is not a result of fear of change… it’s a fear of giving up control. The more a person feels in control of his or her own decisions, the more likely you are to succeed in creating an environment for change.
#3 – Timing is everything.
It’s a natural instinct to want to attack another person’s behavior or views when you’re angry. When you’re heated, that’s when you want to go head-to-head, toe-to-toe and get whatever is on your chest OFF your chest. But know that times like this are the absolute worst time to inspire change. We are most open to change when we feel loved, supported, calm, and accepted… and we feel none of these things when we’re in a heated argument or a tense situation. So as odd and as unlikely as it might seem, the best time to dive into deep conversation is when things are going well. Instead of rocking the boat, you’re actually setting yourself up for an effective conversation because both parties are feeling calm and secure. The best time to create an environment for change is when things are going well, so always consider your timing.
#4 – Everybody wants to be accepted.
Everyone wants to be who they are, NOT who you want them to be. The ultimate way to make another person feel as though they have the love, support, and acceptance they need to make positive changes is to let them know you love them the way they are. Consider putting it this way: “I love you as you are. This is just about having a better relationship and you creating the life YOU want. I’m here to support you as you take responsibility for your part.”
#5 – We all engage in negative behaviors because they serve us in some way.
Yes, even YOU engage in negative behaviors… we all do, because in some way or another, they serve us. What are you doing to reward your loved one’s negative behavior? Are you giving that person control, giving them attention because of the drama they’re creating, providing a scapegoat? Think about the negative behavior and how it serves this person. The more you understand the motivation behind that negative behavior, the more likely you are to be empathetic and understand how to create an environment where that person feels safe, in control, and able to create the change they deserve.
Again, remember: anything worth having is worth fighting for. If you want someone to make changes, and you love and care about this person enough, you will take the right steps to create an environment for change that is their decision and change is made on their terms.
Janice Burke says
I am thankful you blogged about this! I took notes at Camp, but I was so interested in what you were saying I didn’t take GREAT notes! lol Shame on me! I have to say that these important steps will be life changing for me, in my work and relationships! I know God has called me to do a lot of things in life and surrounds me with people everyday that I can help, this gives me the tools and the confidence to open up and truly be more compassionate and help others! And have a more positive effect and outcome!
thanks again! for Being YOU!
admin says
Janice, sometimes it clicks the second time around. Keep living your passion!
Amine says
thanks i really nedeed to hear that, everything is true what you said, and im for sure going to make a change thinks to your powerful words, think positive not negative, thanks gurl so much!
Heather Karwacki says
I have learned that to be myself, I need to be authentic. Not engage in negative activities or behaviors to fit in with those around me. Especially if it goes against my morals & beliefs. More importantly if it effects my family. Being who I am, being as I am is my truth. My faith, my morals, my beliefs are me. Believing in myself as I am & making improvements to be a better me is what is important. So I can be a better mom & wife.
admin says
It’s great that you have a strong sense of self and what’s important to you. Keep letting your values guide your decisions, and you will never have any regrets.
Glenn Hutchinson says
I really enjoyed your article Chalene. Taking the time to help another discover their protentional is worth the effort.
Naveedahmad says
Congrats Jennifer. Your babies are sooo cute. I wish that I had known about CHALEAN and Turbo Fire and Shakeology when I had my twins 11 years ago!!! Keep up the GREAT work!!!
Stephanie says
Chalene, I was just thinking on how to improve my relationship with my 16-yr old today; lo and behold, I click on your link and I found my answer! I’m saving this to re-read and for reinforcement. Thanks for being a ‘golden’ angel!
admin says
We all need reminders now and then. Best of luck to you with your 16 year old!
Sergio says
TurboFire is an AWESOME program! I actllauy have it available on this site, which forwards you back to the Beachbody site, but has my Coach ID in the link for me to get the credit. I would appreciate it! Let me know if you have any questions about it.
Katie Lickliter says
I have to say this is one that hit home. My sister and I are continually trying to get our mom to change something in her life to improve her health, work, and relationships with others. While we both love her so much she rarely listens or gets on the defensive about us “ganging up on her”. So hopefully if my sister and I can do some of these things maybe just maybe she’ll want to do some things differently!
Christina Sears says
I have found these 5 principles work very well! Still hard at times tho when I see someone I care about making things a whole lot harder on themselves but then again, I am still working on myself so I don’t really have time to be worrying about what they are refusing to do! Thanks for this article!